Ice Age 3 - The Movie

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.  They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son.  Men use them to have safe sex.’

‘Oh, I see,’ replied the boy pensively. ‘I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’  He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there only 3 in this package?’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.’

‘Cool’ says the boy.  He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then, who are these for?’

‘Those are for college men,’ the dad answers. ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘Then, who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a deep sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied………………

‘Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ‘

Where do Red Headed babies come from?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the

Obstetrician.

“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you,but I’m a little

upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.” 

“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have

black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the

gene pool.” 

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on

both sides had jet-black hair for generations.” 

“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. 

How often do you have sex?” 

The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past

year. We only made love once or twice every few months.” 

“Well, there you have it!” The doctor said confidently.

 “It’s rust!!”

You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! 

You don’t even have to like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.  We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.  We phoned the local cab company and requested

a taxi.  The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.  The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.

We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.  My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.  The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.  So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I get into the cab.  “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away.  “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.  I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Into a box of friendship
To insure that it is strong
First a layer of respect
On the bottom does belong.

Then to the sides attach,
In the corners where they meet,
Several anchors full of trust,
Devoid of all deceit.

The height of friendship can be measured
By the sides of four,
So make them all a larger cut,
And the box will hold much more.

Now fill it up with courtesy,
Honor and esteem,
Understanding, sympathy,
And passion for a dream.

Add to that your honesty,
Emotions joy and love,
And since they’re so important,
Place them up above

But leave the box wide open
So all can see inside,
To learn what makes a friendship work
From the box you built with pride.