A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
Genie’s lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it & a Genie appeared. The amazed woman
asked if she was entitled to three wishes.
The Genie said “No. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third world countries & fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said “I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other.”
The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed “Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but
not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been
able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and
fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in
bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the
time and is faithful. That’s what I wish for.”
The Genie let out a long sigh & said,
“Let me see that ****in’ map!”
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A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it wouldn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up-up in the air and started screaming,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, “Ma’am what’s wrong?”
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?”n a huff, the woman says, BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I’M BEING SCREWED!!” he crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!
This is going to be an easy post since I drink Budlight. That is my beer of choice and I always drink with my friend Mike, well most of the time anyways. Last time I drank it would of been with him at his house while playing video games. As they say never drink and drive, even if it is just a video game, as I learned the hard way. We were playing burnout paradise, and well needless to say soon as I picked up the controller I smashed right into a wall. So drinking and driving wasn’t working for me, so we decided to play Rock Band, I thought well that shouldn’t be to hard all I have to do is play a guitar right? I played ok and hit every note, well not the notes that I was suppose to as I couldn’t get my fingers in the right spot, so not only shouldn’t you drink and drive but never play an instrument while drinking either it just don’t work. Now if we had gone and played pool I would of been ok, cause it seems the more I drink Budlight the better aim I have at the balls on the tables, maybe because I see double? who knows but for some strange reason I seem to play better drunk than sober. lol
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Wanda’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman ‘I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter and I’ll mail you a cheque.’
‘Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you. But do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!’ ‘I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!’
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s house the following day he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she had said,the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, swearing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled,
‘Shut up,you stupid,ugly bird!’
To which the parrot replied, ‘Get him, Spike!’
See - Men just don’t listen!